camping is for eskimos

lost maples...the land of frozen toes. and the maples? still lost.  didn't see a dang one. well i did, but the leaves are all gone right now.  lame.

i thought it was "los maples" when i first heard about it.  because texans neglect their t's.
but it's lost maples, not ...the maples.  that would be dumb.

we went last weekend.  a few days earlier, taylor heard about this great state park, and we had been wanting to go camping for a long time.  we even registered for a tent and camping gear for our wedding.  (thanks kyle and vanessa!) anyway, so he asked if i wanted to go on a primitive camping trip.  like i've said before, i'm happy to be outdoors if i dont have to wipe up my sweat with a mop.  which in south texas, is 99% of the time.  the weather said it wouldn't be warmer than 65.  perfect! i said LET'S DO IT.

 *cue fantasy of awesome camping trip, complete with our sudden ability to stab bears to use their fur for warmth, and navigate our way around using the stars.*

naturally, we had to spend a million dollars to get things like food, and a cooler, and a few other necessities.  that caused a little frustration between us, because i was trying to be a  practical-minimalist, and taylor was trying to be Bear Grylls. nevertheless, we got to losT maples in good shape (3 hour drive).  the only bummer was that we had to haul all our crap about a mile to the primitive camping area, because cars were only allowed barely inside the park.  we checked before we left, our bags added about 45lbs for the both of us.

we got creative and found ways to strap everything to every part of our body, except our legs and one free hand for a flashlight. 

it was pitch black, and cold.  and black..blacker than black...blacker than i've ever seen.  the stars were out (amazing stars btw, like....youve never seen so many.  no, you've NEVER seen so many......shut up...i've seen more stars than you) but they weren't enough without the moon (no moon yaaaaaaay) to provide any kind of light.  we might as well have been on some walkable kind of outer space.  we looked something like this.

somehow, and i'm still really surprised at ourselves that we still wanted to did, we found the campsite and pitched our tent. after hauling our stuff through the blackness, mind you. lots of rocks.  and maybe a bridge at one point. i was exhausted. taylor picked the spot, right beside a black river flowing around a black hill, and a black tree that towered over us.  it was like those trees in snow white, when she's running through the forest.  scary trees..and they always seem to be behind you.




for some reason, the bread was packed last and got special treatment.

then the fun began.  we didn't even unpack anything else yet.  we just got inside, giggling to ourselves at how cool it was.  we were all hyped up about being completely alone inside our tent.  we zipped the door shut and just listened for a second.

nothing......absolutely nothing. silence is an amazing thing.

but that fun lasted about 4 seconds and we got back out and finished unpacking, ate a little bit, and rolled our sleeping bag out.  2-person sleeping bag, people.  AND, if you get mad at the person you're sleeping in a bag with, it unzips and becomes 2 sleeping bags.  pure.ingenuity. the only thing that sucked is that the memory-foam pillow taylor brought, (because his stubborn Bear Grylls self argued that it was small and packed well), had hardened in the cold.  it was a rock.  i thought that memory foam was originally made for outer-space?  lies. but i still had my regular earth-pillow.  i wasn't smug.

being out there all alone was invigorating. it was so cool.  for a while, we had the door unzipped with our heads sticking out so we could watch the stars.  we couldn't get over them.  then all of a sudden it was around midnight.  we wanted to wake up reasonably early the next day, so we hit the sack....bag.

I promise there were millions of stars

then.....

the cold came. the most cold i've ever experienced.  i couldn't feel my toes or fingers or face.  my breath kept hitching in my chest because my body was so seized up against the cold permafrost  ground.  its like my internal life-force was screaming at me "you jerk, you brought me out here to die!?!"

- i tried burying my entire body inside the sleeping bag, but i still needed air, so i wrapped the opening around my head except for this one-inch hole that i stuck my lips through to breath.
-i tried breathing onto my fingers and doing a makeshift laying-down-sprint to get blood flowing to my feet.
-i tried curling up like a rollie pollie so i could hold my frozen feet in my frozen hands.

oh, how i tried.  but by three in the morning, i couldn't take it anymore.  i sat up, and the rush of cold air going into the sleeping bag woke taylor up.  the jerk had been asleep the whole time.  i don't know how he kept warm enough.  but that's been my luck my entire life..i freeze while i watch other people bask in their own warm-bloodedness. 

we put on every last peice of clothing that we brought, and tried to sleep again.  the hardness of the ground was getting to me too.  pressure points, man they suck...and made cuddling for warmth impossible. needless to say, i might have gotten one hour of sleep, and it might have been a cold-coma.  i'll never know.

at another point in the night, we heard sounds outside our tent.  i'm pretty sure we were both listening to it for about 30 minutes before we acknowledged to eachother that we both heard it.  because it was one of those sounds that you have no idea if you're making it up in your head. 

it was like a.......thump-splaaaaaaaasshhhhh...swish...ttttthhhwwwwippp...thump. and then repeating in a random rhythm.

yea...try to figure out what it was before i tell you. its not gonna happen.

taylor asked if there were bears around the area.  i said no, but there's the Penis Man, who waits until men go outside to pee and he steals their penis because he lost his own years ago in the civil war..or something... i don't remember exactly, but i definitely called him Penis Man. i was tired, cold, cramped, grumpy, and cold. cold twice.  you go camping in the same way, and see if you dont come up with ridiculous penis-ghost-stories. ....im confident that taylor was a little freaked out.

well we got tired of wondering what it was so taylor slowly unzipped the door and turned the flashlight on in the direction of the sounds.   .....wait for it....

ducks. ducks were in the river.  they were flying down straight into it, which explained the splashing and stuff.  definitely no Penis Men to be found.

finally it was morning.  our tent was frosted over, and even the foot of our sleeping bag was a little frosty too.  and poor taylor had fallen asleep with his face outside the sleeping bag, and he couldn't feel his face.  i felt it, and it was like touching a dead person.  i've never touched a dead person...but that's when came to mind when i touched taylor's face.  cold. COLD. you'll never understand this temperature i'm trying to explain to you.

that tree is a lot scarier at night

 taylor wanted to cook breakfast on his new handy-dandy propane grill.  he was so excited to be the person to feed us.  he even stepped outside and did that hands-on-hips-while-you-bend-backwards move, to show that he is a man, and so being uncomfortable is ok with him. 

i dont know why our sleeping bag changed colors.

told you.  adorable.

he cooked eggs, turkey-bacon, and biscuits that we had to pan cook because we only brought one cooking device.  they were kinda burnt on the outside but oh so warm on the inside.  i ate it all when it was still hot, because i still couldnt shake the coldness from the night.  also, i had left my shoes outside like an idiot, and i almost cried when i had to put them on. i think putting my feet into shoe-shaped ice cubes would have been warmer.

after all that, our spirits were high because the sun was out and it was such a pretty day. we hiked to the top of a few of the hills.  just beautiful.

and that was pretty much the jist of our trip.  because when we got back, about 8 boy scout troops had moved into our campsite.  and 100 adolescent boys are not a good source of peace and quiet.  we had planned originally to stay another night, but one freezing cold night is good for me.  plus the boys were playing this game of "lets pretend to shoot each other and make as much noise as humanly possible."  so we left.  and i cranked up the heat in the car while i snuggled deep down in my coat.  i passed out about 5 minutes into the drive.  oh, the heat...the glorious heat.

we'll definitely go camping/hiking again soon.  but maybe we'll wait till spring or fall.
till then, oh hey toes! so nice to feel you again :)

never mount decorative shelves under the influence of hydrocodone

its my own fault i guess.  i woke up with a horrible headache, and all we had was hydrocodone.  it didn't take much time for me to give in and take one. for the record, we dont have hydrocodone just laying around the house. taylor hurt his neck a while back and the dr. prescribed him a bottle.  anyway, i only took half of one, and my head really hurt.

with the edge of my headache taken off, and the general good-happy-tired feeling the pill gave my very low tolerance brain, i started looking for things to do.  (school doesn't start till thursday) i cleaned off the kitchen table, started a load of dishes, and then spotted the still unopened box of decorative wall shelves we got for the wedding.  sounded like a good 20 minute adventure. plus ive been looking for reasons to break out the household tools that we also got.

taylor came home for lunch just as i was starting.  no, i didn't tell him about my pill popping.  i was holding up a tape measure to mark the screw holes and asked his opinion:

"hey, is this straight?"
"...really?"
"yea..does it need to go up or down or...?
"i don't even know where to start. how you are able to stand up straight?"

i blew him off and marked the holes. these were the kind of shelves that you had to screw in the anchors first, and then put the actual screws in.  but they were probably the cheapest anchors that the shelf company could find.  they probably laughed to themselves when they thought of how angry people would get, when the anchors disintegrated into the wall because they couldn't handle the pressure of being screwed into drywall.  drywall, people.

but nevermind.  when the anchors started showing symptoms of turning to dust, i just broke out my hammer and made it work.  just shoved em right in.  taylor was like "thaaaaat's not how that works."  but he knows i hate a back seat driver and so he smiled under my glare and just ate his lunch.

finally, i had the anchors and screws in the walls.  not correctly or safely, but they were in, dammit.  then i grabbed the shelf and tried to place it on the wall. 

WTF.

the screws were off.  not by like a little bit. more like 4 inches on a diagonal.  i couldn't understand it. i laid the shelf back on the floor and quietly went into the living room and turned the tv on.  it took some time for taylor to realize what happened. 

then i heard him laughing.

i just turned the tv up.

i'm gonna sleep off my hydrocodone stupor and fix the shelf later.  till then, sweet dreams to meeeeeeee.