miss you

ups and downs.  my life right now, and the things i do lately all depend on the ups and downs.  on the ups, i can go to work, smile at my husband, relive a funny or special time, and eat.

on the downs, i can barely breathe.  i want to stay in bed forever. i dont want to go anywhere or do anything, and i'm offended that the world has moved on already, and is forcing me to go too.

on the ups, i can listen to music, fix my hair, and reply to the thousands of emails, texts, phone calls and facebook posts.

on the downs, i go through every one of her pictures again..hoping that there will be a new one i've never seen before.  i seem to be imploding inside the huge hole in my heart.  i cry and i don't really know why anymore, but its the only relief.  it releases the tightness, if only for a little while.

but on both the ups and the downs, i pray.  i dont know if i've ever prayed so much, so hard, so often.  for my mom and dad, for jaci, and to God, asking for him to come soon.  i've never wanted God to come get me and the rest of us so badly.  i've never longed for heaven this much.

 i'm clinging to the promise.  clinging to that one small peice of hope i can hang on to right now. and in that promise and hope, i can cling onto my sanity itself.  that one day there will be no more pain.

this picture won't mean much to many, but it's my hope.  the nudge in my heart that tells me i can believe in a better tomorrow.  after a bad book, there's a good one following after.

till then.....